i am so confused right now. i wish i could describe it. i just know what is going to happen. and i cant stop it. im getting ready for work.

i have nothing to talk about. although i do wish i was having a bad dream and somebody woke me up from it.

i am physically and mentally tired and beaten down.

i have a bad feeling about something for some reason

so i went to St martha's with AOL last night, i had fun, i got home around 3 and went to bed. i was worn out. i still feel the aftershock of some of the anxiety attacks i had. , i think i learned a lot of things from it. and i feel better now. my grandather's cancer keeps coming back, and that scares me. im gonna go visit them and see how he is doing. i went to skyline and they were BUSY. i think im just going to chill at home tonight unless something changes, but i think i need a day to just rest

"am i part of the cure or am i part of the disease" wow

i hung out with jeska today. it was fun. she really is a good friend, and i dont know what im going to do when she is in florida lol. she is one person i can be myself around and not have to feel weird about it. and that is why she is such a good friend. i talked to one of my old friends today, i forgot how nice it was to talk to her. i had to have a big convo about how i dont like relationships, and just dont really want to be in them. id rather have fun and not worry about all of that other stuff right now. i dont think my priorities are that straigt to do that. i just realized i didnt want one. it isnt worth it to be broken.

for a while i have been kind of discouraged about my life, its not so much my life, as to just how people treat me, like my job, and how im treated as a manager and all that. i just think im kind of a welcome mat or something and i get walked all over by my GM, i respect her and i like her and all that, i just dont think im appreciated at that job. and im extremely underpaid. but i stay because i like the job, and im sure they need me there. i just dont think im appreciated. so if things dont change i will be forced to get another job, just so i can make a living. i dont want to be a paycheck to paycheck kinda guy. And the other thing i wonder sometimes is the whole relationship thing. i just wonder when that person will come along. i am hopeful that one day i will meet someone, and i know it may not be for a while. but i just hope. and i hope life gets better like it is, and i hope i continue to lose weight. I think i will feel better with that goal. i think im hanging out with jessica today, not sure what we will be doing or who we will do anything with, but im sure it is either going to be fun or well i dont think it really cant be fun, i had my car fixed today so im not afraid to drive it either. until next time, stay tuned, or fuck off

ok. so. im thinking alot about quitting smoking, I havent had a cigarette since 11:30 last night. And i want to quit, for myself. but that may be extremely difficult. ive been up for about 3 hours, havent had one yet. So im on my way to at least cutting down. and im doing well on my diet, and once i get off here im gonna try and run a bit at klondike park and see how it goes. and i may walk there instead of drive. i keep drinking water and i havent eaten any large meals.

I'm starting to feel kinda happier because i have some kind of goals, im not used to feeling good about myself and i should do this a lot more. i had fun at work last night, and me an jeska had somewhat of a heart to heart but, it was cool, i got freaked out at tumbleweed lol. but i thought she was right behind me, and i got confused on what she said so it doesnt count. nothing going on this morning though.

im almost done cleaning my room, it still looks like shit because my mom took the vacuum, why would u take a vacuum to georgia i will never know. so i will have to wait til tuesday when she gets back. Family guy is almost on. well, in 2 and a half hours. not too much going on tonight.

I deleted my journal entries because it was nothing but useless crap. and i dont need to be depressed. its summer! shit. as for the last entry i posted. i am getting rid of my drug addict friends. its done. i cant talk to them anymore. And i dont wanna be cought up in drug addiction, maybe pot occasionally but nothing else. ok alcohol. So I've been cleaning my room all day, and im taking a break for now, i cant find the vacuum. I've started dieting again. and it feels good to have a goal every now and then. I've been drinking water the past few days, and im giving up on soft drinks and all that. And im cutting down on what im eating. I plan on having a positive summer, no more negative crap, it is what doesnt motivate me, and its what makes people angry with me. And i hope i can spend time and have fun with all of my friends this summer. i do work alot but i will try and find a way to work around that. i want to change, im going back in therapy this week, and i think it will be good for me. And this summer im moving out. i just got the raise i wanted, so i could do all of this. and this will be a special summer. it just started and i have nothing to be pissy about. today has been a good day. nothing special going on yet. but nothing bad has happened. im just starting over. and i hope everything can be all good. and hey, i may go to the zoo this summer..among other things. u cant beat that